This is a continuation of my journal I kept during my miscarriages.
If you want to read part one, click here.
If you are wondering how to support a friend who’s going through a miscarriage, click here.
I’ve been running through rain That I thought would never end
Trying to make it on faith In a struggle against the wind
I’ve seen the dark and the broken places But I know in my soul
No matter how bad it gets I’ll be alright
Trying to make it on faith In a struggle against the wind
I’ve seen the dark and the broken places But I know in my soul
No matter how bad it gets I’ll be alright
There’s hope in front of me There’s a light, I still see it
There’s a hand still holding me Even when I don’t believe it
I might be down but I’m not dead There’s better days still up ahead
Even after all I’ve seen There’s hope in front of me
There’s a hand still holding me Even when I don’t believe it
I might be down but I’m not dead There’s better days still up ahead
Even after all I’ve seen There’s hope in front of me
There’s a place at the end of the storm You finally find
Where the hurt and the tears and the pain All fall behind
Where the hurt and the tears and the pain All fall behind
You open up your eyes and up ahead There’s a big sun shining
Right then and there you realize You’ll be alright
Right then and there you realize You’ll be alright
There’s hope in front of me There’s a light, I still see it
There’s a hand still holding me Even when I don’t believe it
I might be down but I’m not dead There’s better days still up ahead
Even after all I’ve seen There’s hope in front of me
There’s a hand still holding me Even when I don’t believe it
I might be down but I’m not dead There’s better days still up ahead
Even after all I’ve seen There’s hope in front of me
There’s a hope still burning I can feel it rising through the night
And my world’s still turning I can feel your love here by my side
And my world’s still turning I can feel your love here by my side
You’re my hope You’re the light, I still see it
Your hands are holding me Even when I don’t believe it
I’ve got to believe I still have hope You are my hope
Your hands are holding me Even when I don’t believe it
I’ve got to believe I still have hope You are my hope
– Hope in front of me, Danny Gokey
Journal entry 3/20/15
I was driving to work a while ago and just thanking God for how good He is and I’ve truly learned how to be thankful through all things.
I’ve been praying that it’s in His hands and he has bigger and better plans.
God, you know what is best for us & I trust you! I will not fear or worry, nothing is impossible with you and you only want good for us. You are almighty God. You have a plan for us, plans to prosper, plans to give hope and a future.
There may be tears – Scott Cunningham band My children don’t worry. Take my hand. I’m taking you down this road. You don’t understand yet. There may be tears while you’re waiting for these answers. You only see the picture, I can see the future. I can tell you right now, it’s gonna be alright. There’s no way to know what your future holds, so hold on tightly to me. But one things for certain by faith and believing. It’s gonna be alright.
My facebook feed is filled with beautiful pregnant friends and precious little babies. God, I know I said I will praise you and I trust you but that’s easier said than done. It’s so hard to watch everyone else around me and especially people who don’t want it or aren’t ready for it.
Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10
You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in You, all whose thoughts are fixed on you. Isaiah 26:3
Lord, I need your peace! Help me to trust you and to fix my thoughts on you! This is hard and you know the desires of my heart.
Forgive me if I’m wrong But this looks like more than I can do
On my own I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t you cover me
Lord right now I’m asking you to be strong enough for the both of us
Maybe that’s the point To reach the point of giving up
On my own I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t you cover me
Lord right now I’m asking you to be strong enough for the both of us
Maybe that’s the point To reach the point of giving up
‘Cause I’m broken Down to nothing
But I’m still holding on to the one thing You are God and
You are strong when I am weak
But I’m still holding on to the one thing You are God and
You are strong when I am weak
Strong enough – Matthew West
I’m frustrated, confused and a little angry! Why? Why did all this happen? What do you have in store for us? I just don’t get it and I really hope one day I can look back and say oh I get it.
“a person’s a person no matter how small.” – Dr. Suess
“No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you’re the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.”
“You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.”
“The enemy always fights the hardest when he knows God has something in store for you.”
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
– Psalm 139:13-16
Trust in His timing
Rely on His promises
Wait for His answers
Believe in His miracles
Rejoice in His goodness
Relax in His presence
“Telling me I can’t be sad because someone has it worse is the same as telling me I can’t be happy because someone else has it better.”
This is what the Lord says, I have heard your prayer and seen your tears. I will heal you. 2 Kings 20:5
Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart. Jeremiah 1:5
God’s 3 answers to prayers: Yes, not yet and I have something better in mind.
My prayer for Motherhood
Lord, I am grateful for the blessings you have given me. You know the struggles, sadness and pain I have endured. Continue to guide me on the days I feel inadequate, inferior, unworthy of motherhood. Help me to fight off feelings of jealousy toward those who seem to be able to conceive so easily, of anger over what seems unfair, of sorrow for what I have lost. Help me to feel only joy for those you have already blessed with motherhood especially those who I love and love me. Help me to continue to hope, even when there seems to be none. I cannot know your will but the desire to parent would not be so strong within me, were it not part of your plan for me. Heal the empty place in my heart, fill my empty hands, already open and ready to hold and love a child.
What lies ahead my be unknown As I brave the unseen road God go with me
Every hidden sacrifice Through the watches of the night God go with me
Every hidden sacrifice Through the watches of the night God go with me
Through it all I know I am not alone I am Fearless
In Your presence You’re around me All around me
In my weakness You are strongest You surround me
In Your presence You’re around me All around me
In my weakness You are strongest You surround me
Say the word that sets my heart On what you’ve done and who you are
God You’re for me Every hard and heavy step
I will see Your faithfulness God You are for me
God You’re for me Every hard and heavy step
I will see Your faithfulness God You are for me
No fear in the crashing waves No fear when the cost is great
No fear in the midnight hour You’ve given me a spirit of power
Take delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4
Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God. John 14:1
Glory baby, you slipped away As fast as we could say baby, baby
You were growing, what happened dear You disappeared on us baby, baby
You were growing, what happened dear You disappeared on us baby, baby
Heaven will hold you before we do Heaven will keep you safe
Until we’re home with you Until we’re home with you
Until we’re home with you Until we’re home with you
We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there’s a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you’ll kiss our tears away, when we’re home to stay
We can’t wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You’ll just have heaven before we do You’ll just have heaven before we do
But we know there’s a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you’ll kiss our tears away, when we’re home to stay
We can’t wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You’ll just have heaven before we do You’ll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little baby, it’s hard to understand it ‘Cause we are hurting, we are hurting
But there is healing, and we know we’re stronger people
But there is healing, and we know we’re stronger people
Through the growing, and in knowing All things work together for our good
And God works his purposes Just like he said he would
And God works his purposes Just like he said he would
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies And what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing Heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know All you’ll ever know
But I will rest in knowing Heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know All you’ll ever know
We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
Afraid to love Something that could break
Could I move on If you were torn away
And I’m so close to what I can’t control
I can’t give you half my heart and pray he makes you whole
Could I move on If you were torn away
And I’m so close to what I can’t control
I can’t give you half my heart and pray he makes you whole
You’re gonna have all of me You’re gonna have all of me
‘Cause you’re worth every fallen tear You’re worth facing any fear
You’re gonna know all my love Even if it’s not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts But giving you all of me
Is where I’ll start I won’t let sadness steal you from my arms
I won’t let pain keep you from my heart I’ll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I share with you
You’re gonna know all my love Even if it’s not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts But giving you all of me
Is where I’ll start I won’t let sadness steal you from my arms
I won’t let pain keep you from my heart I’ll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I share with you
Heaven brought us to this moment It’s too wonderful to speak
You’re worth all of me You’re worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you Even if I bleed
You’re worth all of me You’re worth all of me
You’re worth all of me You’re worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you Even if I bleed
You’re worth all of me You’re worth all of me
“Some children come into our lives and go quickly. Some children come into our lives and stay awhile. All our children come into our lives and leave footprints – Some oh so small, some a little bigger and some larger still. But, all have left their footprints on our lives; in our hearts and we will never be the same.”
“and you may feel as if you have nothing to show for your loss but a stack of bills, an out of shape body, raging hormones, an incomplete nursery, pain and suffering and empty arms.”
“with each new day, as hard as it was, I pushed myself to believe that this baby was going to be healthy and survive.”
“It is okay to not be okay. If you are not okay, you don’t have to pretend that you are okay. You can say I need help from God”
God has not ignored or belittled the suffering of the broken ones. He has not turned His back on them. But, has listened to their cries for help. Psalm 22:24
“God never uses anyone greatly until He tests them deeply.”
Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” John 13:7
Adventures on Moon Avenue 